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Mood Swings: The abusers mood may be cyclic, often called the domestic violence cycle. It may go from abuse to remorse to loving and back to abuse. Domestic violence is quite often like that. It is a bit like saying that a drunk is a lovely person when they're sober; without intervention, and/or a decision on their part, drunks don't stay sober, do they?

Actions don't match words or promises: Actions do speak louder than words. When someone promises to try harder, or stop doing an action, and it doesn't happen, you have a problem. If the person won't admit the problem to others, then it is their problem. Once may be an accident, twice is a habit. If it is an action you can't accept, then you shouldn't. Consider leaving, especially when faced with physical violence.

Never threaten to leave; this may be a threat to the control of a person who see's you as their property, and heightens the risk to you and any children. Simply plan ahead, and do it.

For some the aggression and threats will increase immediately following the separation; if this is the case, seek the protection of any legal avenue available, suppress information about your location and deal with them only through your legal representation. Arrange any child access through a neutral third party (hand overs at police station foyers, somewhere like Relationships Australia or at the very least a public place with high flows of people such as a MacDonalds!).

Punishes you: Where an abuser holds you responsible for the problem, withholds sex, gives you the silent treatment and blames you for their violent actions. Stops you going out, or doing something, makes you feel that guilty that you forgive them and accept that you caused it. OK. This also happens when you argue in a normal marriage. It has to be seen in context.

Disrespects opposite sex, or other people: Shows no respect towards opposite sex, talks them down, thinks they are stupid and worthless. Seen in both sex's. Men who think women are useless and stupid and only good for one thing. Woman who think and talk of men the same way, or accuse other's of the same sex of having affairs, without bases; this can include gossip.

History of abuse, broken marriages or was victim of abuse; History repeats itself, it rhymes. If a person was abusive in a previous marriage, unless something has changed significantly through intervention, they will do the same again. As with most things the past dictates the future to a large extent. If a person tells you something of their past, or you are told by others, take it as a warning bell, check it out.Be aware that gossip, and reality, are two different things. Some people are prone to malicious gossip, or only telling one sides version of events.

Of course, be aware that people often tell stories that show them in the best light, and not everyone tells the truth. This is proven every day by our courts; if people told the truth we wouldn't need courts, most police would retire and Private Investigators would go broke.

These are indicators. You, looking from within, must decide is this an abusive relationship. Should you be here, where should you go. If you are going to leave, plan ahead, if possible. Gather up copies of bank statements, phone accounts, credit cards, contracts, pay slips; these things are hard to get, after you leave. If you need help with proof, you suspect an affair, infidelity, and need to consider the cost of an affair, call an investigator.
This is an article by The Director. He's a retired police officer and still works as a private investigator. He has a slightly cynical outlook on relationships. He see's it as an area where do gooders, 'man haters', and those with an eye to the public vote, have influenced the application of law. Rather than see domestic violence as just violence against women, he thinks we should focus on violence and abuse, full stop. That it is not acceptable against women or men; the use of children as leverage is not acceptable by women, or men, full stop. It is unfortunate that , to the outspoken politicians, domestic violence is only perceived as violence against women, coercive control by men. This is not the reality.
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